Wednesday, June 08, 2005

only two and a half...

So here's what came up today,
this precious lamb in one of the classes I help with who's living, who's kidding who here, she's got one of the toughest lives I know. The kid is unreal. I'm a little nervous of publishing anything too detailed, due to the workings of a small know how it is. Anyhow, this kid has got it tough. Actually, let me tell you this about this character: If I didn't hear her say 'this is bullshit' everytime we get around to math...I'd have sworn she was an angel. I'd have sworn she was some undeserved heavenly servant sent here to save my year. And you know, come to think of it perhaps she is. In my books she certainly has been.

Anyhow, so this girl, who, I mean, I can't even really explain the respect I have for her. The kid is a workhorse. She is selfless and unfathomably compassionate. Though if you'd never take the time to hear her laugh you'd think she'd eat your face. But today, we got to talking about what next year holds for her...and it's a scary topic. Scary for her. She's plagued with self-effacing thoughts that turn into these hideous lies she tells herself; as if she's worth nothing. So this was a difficult conversation to begin with. Finally though, hopefully, she allowed me to speak the truth about herself to herself and I pray with everything I've got that she understood and Christ engraved those words on her heart. Rather, transformed them into His words and hallmarked them there. (needless to say...)

From there we got onto, "well, you can always, always pray for a job for next year"
"yea that's the other thing. This is on my mind all the time.....(pause, pause, pause)...did He put me here just to suffer?"

Friggen eh. Bonnie's immediate answer: "apparantly" Great. Reaaaalllly helpful. But see actually the conversation went on and on and I don't think this needs to be a ten mile post. 1 But man alive, such a hard question for me to deal with. Because, I guess because, I hate suffering. Who doesn't? Christ hated it. But see that's the thing Christ could end it. And I know I know He will one day and that will be a glorious day. But when a child has been transplanted into a culture where everything is about "love". Everything is about "love" of image, "love" of materialism, "love" from one another, but it's not really LOVE one another it's more like be attracted to one another except we call it the same thing, but the child has never really experienced LOVE, like real love. Old school Agape love, well what the heck is she supposed to equate with God's love? Given, sincere love from another human being can't compare but if you don't even have that as a yardstick... WEll this is just rambling now. So you're not all worried about how much I screwed up this kid's soul it ended well. I don't think I made too many major theological errors....Mormonism is the same as Christianity right? kiiidding kiddding. Sorry, Language isn't coming easy to me. Maybe I can come back and edit this bad boy in a couple hours. Until then...

1. That's right a footnote: I was just noticing how, wow, I haven't even written any of this down in an actual journal where I write things I actually care about...preeettty sad so I think I'd rather do that.


Anonymous said...

I love things that say "who's kidding who here".

I would reccomend a thought I had lately, might not go over, but maybe to encourage you. "Always pain before a child is born" line from U2 - I thought that it spoke of Jesus being born on Christmas. But yesterday I decided that it might be talking about the pain that God allows in the birthing of His children. Out of control pain sometimes, oh the pain, that not skimming the surface, but touching the bottom of the pool pain. Yes that He would allow even that.

I think she sees the agape, old school agape as you say and I love, in you Bonnie.

So much respect. KatieB!

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