So, let's try to work this out.* Why do I treat people like crap? Why is it that by saturday night I've led someone to believe that our relationship means nothing to me, I've made another feel inadequate or disposable, left another feeling obligated to me, and another to try and sift through the sparatic occasions on which I'm willing and able to disucss such feats as the future? And yet people keep trying to tell me there's something in me worth having around. For the most part I'm going to have to rule bullshit on that one.
The thing is, do people really want you to be honest about the person that you are? (Sorry, little Carrie Bradshaw moment there...) I rrreeeeeallly hate to admit it, but my family knows it, (as well as those who've become like family), I'm just not an all that-balanced individual. I think I'm fairly level-headed, and I prefer to be logically-emotional rather than either logical or emotional. (Or an attempt at dividing your time between the two.) But I do certainly realize, I'm no treat to deal with on a day to day level. There are times when I'm capable of discussing somethings, and times for other things, and I can't predict anything. So it would seem that I demand the accomodations of others, and while I hate to admit it (you have no IDEA how much I hate to admit it) I don't know many other ways which one could interperet the process.
It's funny though, how someone can tell you you write with incredible insight, beauty and eloquence, and in the next five minutes tear it to shreds with criticism and reform. (And No, Solgaard, noot a reference to you and that Politics paper...thaaaat was mostly grammar which pisses me off for entiiiirely different reasons.) And yes...this could all just be an inability to receive criticism, because the rest of you love it so much, but couldn't it also be an inconsistency in the way we deal with people? (Geez Carrie... "i just had to ask myself"...)
I suppose it all boils down to this: I'd like to be enough of a person to overlook completely, so long as it's not some hideous evil...lliiiiike hmm a 'Stephen Harper' joke came to mind buuut i'll leave it for now, anyhow, would it be possible to live without minor offense? Which isn't to say that you could never experience feelings of anger or frustration, but that they would come from sources larger than a friend not calling or saying the right thing or some other relational stipulation we assume is universal, until none of your friends have understood it. To be so selfless an acquaintance that you are rarely disappointed, and involve yourself in relationships because you choose so, not because you need to.
..or something like that. yeeikes, i wish i had a clove. and a plane ticket.
*sooo much for studying the systems of american government...or perhaps lack-there-of...ohh sorry kids.
this picture explains how i feel...my head on fire...annnd a big J-k. I don't get it either. Pentecostal speed skater?
7 comments:
i get the impression this post is difficult to understand. do not feel obligated to comment. maybe i should just say do not comment.
"how am i not myself?"
i dont get people either. but i think its alright not to get them.
i know exactly what you mean by this (if i get what you mean by this). i think it's a self issue actually. if you're involved with people whose whole being is fragile as glass. that ever mistake you might make, or phonecall you might NOT make ruins them entirely, then are these people you really want to be associated with?
but i hate to disappoint, or seem self-interested. but is it self-interest? i don't know. i don't have answers to this actually. how can i be so many people to so many people?
unless of course... i've entirely missed the point.
Bon.
i don't know.
i will say this:
i was driven to have a clove on the fire escape alone tonight.
how i wish you could have joined me.
although, cloves and strep-throat probably aren't such good friends.
-k
pentacostal speed skater. hahahahahahaha... I'm still in the "bible jokes are the funniest" zone. With a theology major, it's like bible school never ends.
Sometimes you remind me of Lauryn Hill. But mostly you don't.
aaaaand... where would that ticket be to?
I dunno, pal. I think you're one of the coolest people I've ever met...and its always, ALWAYS good to know that tomorrow is a new day...and people get over things and people are never as mean as they think they are. there are such different levels of sensitivity (mine being high) or offensiveness but at the end of the day when things are rough it is better just to admit that we're not perfect and we were made the way we were for only God knows why....but at all, all ALL cost it is always better to be yourself. and to be honest. we don't have enough honest people around these days. its so much better to be known as a person who is honest then as a person who sifts and sorts their feelings and needs according to other people's happiness.
and don't forget how freakin cool i think you are.
i dunno. all i know is that i miss you. the whole bon-who-lies-over-the-ocean-cabootle.
got that? :)
bon?
have you seen elizabethtown?
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